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200 cal day

200 cals could go a long way. This is what I normally have on my 200 day (I do 2468 a lot too):
2 egg whites - protein (30 cal)
2 cups spinach with fat free balsamic vinegar dressing - high in fibre and fills you up (15 cal)
a bowl of sugar free jello - for your sweet tooth (36 cals)
a small apple - vitamins (50 cals)
2 or 3 cellery sticks - low calorie and fills you up(10 cals)
a cappucino made with skim soy milk - calcium, protein and a coffe-kick(60 cals)
or, if you don't do soy, you could have a fat free yoghurt with a simmilar calorie count and get some probiotics into your system, as well as protein and calcium.
TOTAL = 200 cals

My Heart

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places"
-Hemingway


I was recently in a relationship, it wasn't long but it was serious - or so I thought...
I found out (by looking in his phone - sneaky, sneaky) that he was cheating on me. This guy acted like I was his world. He told me he loved me (FIRST), said I was his best friend, and wanted to spend all his free time with me. It was moving a little fast for my comfort, but I thought I would just go with it and let myself be vulnerable. I have struggled with Body Dysmorphic Disorder for most of my life, so dating anyone is really hard for me, let alone being completely vulnerable with someone. I was so crushed that this man could look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me while texting another girl that he wishes he was with her! This is the second time this has happened to me, so I can't help but feel to blame. I am completely broken hearted by the situation, not the man. My goal is to take the hurt and use it as inspiration to get thinner, because thin = beautiful. Thats why these guys looked elsewhere. They want a girl they could pick up, one who is feminine and petite - and that is not me. I have to take my broken heart and get stronger by getting thinner. I need to take control of what I eat. I refuse to be disgusting anymore. I can't let another guy cheat with someone better.
 

My Voice

"Screaming is bad for the voice, but it's good for the heart."
- Conor Oberst


I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT TO SCREAM,

SCREAM TILL I CAN SCREAM NO MORE,

LET YOU KNOW EVERYTHING I AM.

I WANT TO SCREAM,

SCREAM OUT MY PAINS,

AND EVERYHTING THAT MAKES ME ME.

I WANT TO SCREAM,

SCREAM AS LOUD AS THE OCEAN CRASHING AGAINST THE ROCKS,

MAYBE THEN YOU'LL HEAR ME,

MAYBE THEN YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.

I WANT TO SCREAM,

SCREAM AS LOUD AS I CAN,

BUT THEN I REALIZE WHAT A MISTAKE,

'CUZ YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME,

YOU CAN NEVER HELP ME,

I'M OUT OF YOUR REACH

ITS A WASTE OF TIME TO EVEN TRY,

SO YOU'LL TURN AWAY FROM ME,

LEAVE ME HERE SO COLD,

SO LOST,

WITH THIS SCREAM HELD IN MY THROAT,

I'LL GROW ON MY OWN.

I WANT TO SCREAM,

SCREAM SO LOUD AND SO LONG,

BUT I WONT.

My Thick Skin

"Your bad luck finding a decent man continues because you are such a god-damned, fat-ass hog!"

I was recently viewing a sculpture, an early piece, that is supposed to represent the ideal woman of the time it was created. Yet, when I look upon this sculpture I look at it with disgust. I feel shame for her size and obvious distortions of the human anatomy. To me, this doesn't symbolize life and fruitfulness, but early death and a body burdened down with layer upon layer. Of course there is no face. When a person is this size, the body is the only focus, not the face. When I look at this sculpture I see myself - sad to say a nonperson, only obeseness. And I hate myself.

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